You’ve Got to Be Joking

The comedian Ron White has a bit in his act where, describing a run-in with the police, he says "I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." Well, let's just say that I can relate, as evidenced in an encounter I had with the police a couple of years ago. I had gone out to dinner with two friends. We got back to my car, got in, and looking over my shoulder, I pulled away from the curb. A microsecond later, I saw the lights from a police car behind me. The officer approached my car and asked me if I knew why he had pulled me over. Now, I grew up with a step-father and three uncles who were cops, so I knew what to say, and in this case it was actually true. I said, "no officer, I have no idea." Apparently, the reason he had pulled me over was I hadn't used my turn signal when I pulled into traffic. Actually, when I pulled onto the street, because there wasn't any traffic, which is why I hadn't used my turn signal.

Then it got even more interesting when he asked me if I had been drinking. Again, I know, also from growing up surrounded by cop relatives, that if you are ever asked this question by a police officer, there is only one acceptable answer and that is "no". But I knew in this instance that he would know that I was lying because I had ordered a drink at the restaurant made with Midori liquor, and that he would have certainly smelled it. Also, I just didn't feel like lying. So, I said yes. He asked me how many beers I had had. I told him the truth, that I hadn't had any beer, I'd ordered a drink with Midori, it was disgusting, I'd drunk not even half of it, and I hadn't had anything else. Apparently he didn't believe me and started to do a field sobriety test. At that point I told him about my Parkinson's. I explained that two of the symptoms were tremor and problems with balance, and that the symptoms got worse under stress, and this was certainly a stressful situation, so if he noticed those things, that would be the reason.

He looked a bit discomfited when I told him this, and kept asking me how many beers I had had that evening. I'd answer him, again, I didn't have any beer, I'd ordered a drink made with Midori, it was disgusting, I drank maybe half of it, if that, didn't have anything else to drink. Finally he said, "okay, I'm going to have you do one more thing, and if you pass this, I'll let you go." Pointing to a line in the sidewalk he said, "I want you to walk heel to toe along this line."

This is where I said, "You've got to be joking."

Looking directly at him I continued, "with all due respect officer, I just told you that I have Parkinson's. I also told you that I have problems with balance and that my symptoms get worse when I am under stress, and this is stressful. So, I can also tell you that if you think that I am over the legal limit, you should just take me in right now and give me a breathalyzer test, because there is no way in hell that I can walk heel to toe along that line and pass the test. So what would you like me to do? Of course, that would be your call."

He stared at me for a few seconds, I'm sure running through the possible scenario, he takes a woman with Parkinson's to the station, she passes the breathalyzer… He then walked over to his squad car, talked with his partner for a few seconds, came back, handed me my license and registration, told me to drive safely and have a nice evening.

A couple of days later, I told the story to a friend. He commented that wow, I had a pass from now on if I ever got pulled over again. It was funny, but also telling. Apparently, as with Ron White, I might have the right to remain silent, but fortunately, very fortunately, not the ability.