My Posse

Not surprisingly, in the short time since I posted my change of blog, I've received some incredibly touching responses. The reason that I say "not surprisingly" is that I am somehow fortunate enough to have some pretty amazing people in my circle. Well, I have never been as glad of that as I have been since my Parkinson's diagnosis, and most especially in the few months since I moved into this new chapter of my life. And I'm not just talking about the warm fuzziness of having great friends and a great support network. That, in and of itself, would certainly be benefit enough. But I'm thankful on a much more practical level; I know that there is absolutely no way I could have managed to get this far without them, without you.

So to those of you who have commented on my courage, I just want to say thank you, but it wasn't just me. It was you too. And trust me I am not being falsely modest here. A few weeks after I did the headfirst into the new, I was sitting in my kitchen repeating the mantra, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this." Well, I grew up in the S.F. Bay Area so of course I know that mantras are supposed to be "positive" statements. Whatever. But I knew in that moment that there was absolutely no way I could do this by myself.

This may surprise those of you who know me personally, since I do have a tendency to talk about my stuff to death, but I do not like to ask for help. My realization at that moment in the kitchen though, was that I had no choice. It was a bit sobering, not to mention, um, terrifying.

Well, there is a good thing about stark reality, it kind of puts things into perspective, highlights one's choices, so to speak. So I bit the bullet and made a list of people and what they were good at. And then I did a whacky thing. I asked these folks if they would help me. And, wow, they said, sure, of course, would love to, what can I do, was wondering when you would ask. This is not to say that once I had that transformative moment, everything was all peachy, as highlighted in my cursing at God post. Regardless, people continue to show up for me.

What you don't necessarily consider, or maybe I'm just a bit slow, when you ask for help and people say yes, is that you kind of have to do your part. There's always a catch. So, during one of my less than brightly optimistic moments as I yet again considered giving up, I thought about my responsibility to the people who continue to express their faith in me and I imagined their responses if I called it quits. Then I made a list (which continues to grow, by the way) of those folks, and I wrote the following document, which I keep prominently in front of me as I work.

Angela's Do Not Disappoint List

The names appearing above are people who care about me, believe in me, have "shown up" for me in one way or another (some in rather remarkable ways), and expect me to "show up" as well. They want and expect that I will be successful. Success here is defined as showing up, doing my best, not giving up, listening to my voice, following my gut, paying attention and telling the truth.

I have wanted to be a writer, for probably even longer that I consciously realize. It's my calling, it's what I love, it's what I am good at, it is the best way for me to help others.

I will not quit. And when I am tempted to quit I will look at this list and imagine talking to each and every person on it and telling them that I have decided to give up, that their faith in me was misplaced. Charlie, of course, will be standing behind me, sniggering into my ear.

Fortunately, I won't have to do this, because quitting is not an option.